Living in the Grey (Original Song)


In a night of dark introspection, I wrote the first verse, then the second, without their final rhymes. This song began as lost as its first stanzas. No direction. No identity. Just a smeared vision coming into focus at the end of a dark tunnel.

After the first verses, it struck me as a hymn, and I decided to honor the elements–water, air, fire, earth– and the universal flowing spirit of Divinity. It quickly became an ode to my secret spiritual awareness as a witch. I knew I needed a refrain for it to be a hymn. I heard the melody cadence in my mind but I could not hear the words. I continued to write.

Before finishing the final verse, the refrain came to me– …living in the grey. It terrified me–and rightfully so. The grey means so many different things, each one as haunting as the last. Psychologically, it refers to the state of my mind–constantly on edge with anxiety and fighting through dark moments of my major depression. Walking through the darkest memories and emotions of my past, attempting to live in light, usually falling somewhere in the middle. Spiritually, it refers to the grey witch in me.

The grey refers to the matter in which I live my life. Somewhere between the paths of dark and light, good and evil, there lies a multitude of little paths, some travelled by members of antiquity, others being blazed anew by the brazen courage of a curious heart. Though I am unsure whether I am blazing a new or previously travelled road, it is certain that it is not one of the 2 extremes I was led to believe were the limitations of options for my existence.

I finished the song in less than an hour, with the exception of few musical changes. Even after admitting to, and even celebrating the refrain, it made me uneasy. It felt like a commitment. I know it isn’t, its just a song. Still, each piece somehow seems like a promise all its own, a little creation which captures the promise of  moment. Once the moment passes, the emotions live on through the song, which reaches out to a kindred soul to haunt.

Though this is a less than perfect performance of this song, I want to share it, so I forgive myself the imperfections of my performance. I hope you will forgive those things also and enjoy this piece of my soul, this moment of my history, this thing which makes me.

Living in the Grey

I’m sailing on a sea.
Nobody is here with me.
I’m lonely but I’m free
–living in the grey.

I’m whistling on the wind,
waiting on the call of a friend.
My song, it has no end.
Existing for today,
and I’m living in the grey.

I’m burning at the core,
always fighting, asking for more.
But from the ashes I will soar,
A Phoenix, bird of prey,
and I’m living in the grey.

I’m home and I am whole.
The soil has paid my demon’s toll,
and there’s no burden on my soul.
The moon is just a breath away,
and she’s living in the grey.

Sweet Spirit, come to me.
Our Lady of Divinity,
teach me how to live and be.

The moon is just a breath away
for a Phoenix, bird of prey
who’s existing for today,
when you’re living in the Grey.

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Feeling, Creating, and Moving on

Mercury retrograde hits hard for some. This cycle of confusion doesn’t have me quite as uncomfortable as others in the recent past have, but I still feel its effects. Its already confusing enough to talk about things intangible, now it seems much more muddled and confused.

Feelings are already so tough to talk about. Talking about a feeling is like, here’s my best explanation of something which can only truly be understood by those willing to empathize or who have experienced it before themselves. It takes a whole lot of courage to put yourself out there and talk about your feelings. Its so easy for the other person to internalize, or misinterpret, or relate too much to their own feelings and miss the point of what you are saying.

This goes both ways. I have been misunderstood and have been misunderstanding others this month. In retrogrades past, I have tried to bridge the gap in communication, by attempting to communicate more efficiently. Some things cannot be breached. Sometimes, it just not time for that.

It’s not time for that. This is not the time to be communicating our feelings so much as feeling them. This is a time of feeling. Feeling, seeing, sensing. Waiting for signs, watching our dreams, observing our strengths and supporting our weaknesses. Whether you’re communicating it to others or not, I think we can all feel something stirring this month. Its stirs different in all of us, but also a little the same–a restlessness that calls, and an answer that forms in the back of our throats, but cannot quite come to the tongue to form words yet.

My creative vibrations have been flowing this month. I am seeing the manifestations of seeds sown long ago, the sprouting of seeds most recently sown, and opportunities to sow more seeds for the future.

From the very beginning of this month, I have had a line from a song stuck in my head. A line from a very beautiful song, and one that has so much personal sentimentality to me:

Oh where are our dear mothers?
They are sowing seeds of gladness.
Day is a-breakin’ in my soul.

This song has been difficult for me to listen to for a couple of years, due to the grievous loss of a friend. Only recently have I been able to go back  and listen to it in its entirety, and only a few times have I done this successfully. I cannot sing it yet. It is too painful and my breath cannot support the ripping melody. It is like I described above; the sound forms in the back of my throat but my tongue will not allow it to move beyond there yet.

However, the fact that the line popped into my head this month, and hasn’t left, has created a significance in my understandings. It was so much a part of my mental script at the beginning of this month, I think it has unintentionally become an intention. I’ve been sowing seeds of gladness, and for what seems like the first time in years, day is a-breakin’ in my soul. There’s a light at the end of this tunnel.

This month, through much isolation and solitude, I’ve been finding the thing that brings me great joy–the thing that has always brought me great joy. The coming together of my poetic, psychological, and musical passions in the process of song-writing.

Art is the expression of emotions. It is the greatest attempt to take feelings and put them onto a canvas, into a time period, into a poem, into a dance, into a performance. It is so important. I think in Mercury retrograde times, art is the easiest and perhaps clearest way to attempt to communicate the incommunicable.

So, I’ve created some art–in the form of songs. Seeds sown long ago, and ready now for harvest. I hope they bring you a message, carry you through hard times, and give you hope. I hope that they inspire you to feel, even if you cannot always accurately express or describe what it is you’re feeling. I hope you find peace, love and comfort in the sights, sounds, and sensations of our natural Earth. Be patient and gentle with yourself this month. Remember, more will be revealed and not everything needs to come to a resolve immediately.

May you be well.